Acceptance vs. Giving In

I am very familiar with eating disorders. You dont have to be the "after school special" rushed to the hospital, puking after every meal kinda eating disorder. It can be as simple as always thinking about your weight, always feeling shame when you eat the "bad" food and never being satisfied with how you look. Ive worked really hard to not be that compulsive over exerciser/borderline anorexic that I was in highschool. Ive tried to incorporate realistic expectations and healthy habits.

But its when the healthy habits dont work that I start getting triggered. Finding myself in this position I started seeing my therapist and nutritionist, hoping that if we worked together I could find the right balance where I was achieving weight loss and being healthy about it.

Despite this excellent plan (and I sooooo know that G*d laughs at those who plan) I have continued to see my weight go up. Infact from November 07 to now I have put back on 10lbs. And please dont tell me that its muscle because while I acknowledge some may be muscle it isnt all muscle. I e-mailed my therapist and nutritionist and both of them wrote back about patience and discomfort in change, accepting of who you are and being happy with yourself. My question is when is acceptance just giving in? I can guarentee that I was alot happier 6 mos ago and ten pounds ago. When did over 50% of Americans decide that they should just accept themselves as overweight? why should I have to accept that this is as good as it gets?

So at the moment, the hardest thing about this weight loss is the dichotomy of pushing myself and accepting myself, of healthy vs. disordered weight loss.

I went home last night and made a huge batch of lowfat egg and tuna salad and a large thing of chicken fajitas with lots of veggies. Its a start, one day at a time :)